I’ve found the one…

February 8, 2016

Like many women my age, my quest is for the Holy Grail of love

I was going to write this long preamble about my journey through life which is not unlike Jason and his quest for the Golden Fleece i.e. searching constantly for some mythical thing that may or may not exist and takes forever to find, fighting off dangerous and creepy things along way (which quite frankly, sounds like my last internet date but that’s a story for another time).

Like many women my age, my quest is for the Holy Grail of love, a pair of jeans that make my arse look like Kylie Minogue’s and any modern appliance or gadget that means I spend less time doing crap jobs around the house and more time socialising with my equally timepoor friends/watching Game of Thrones/or whatever I want.

STOP EVERYTHING! I’ve found my Golden Fleece.It’s a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

Alex and her Dyson

In the interests of full disclosure I need to advise that not only am I a Clean Freak, it’s worse than that, genetically I didn’t have a hope. I’m a legacy clean freak as my mother was a theatre nurse trained by nuns in the 1950s. She wouldn’t even leave a teaspoon in the sink without washing it up and cleaned the windows for fun. You could eat off the floor or perform surgery on it in my house it was so spotlessly clean AND I was a domestic staff member in motels on weekends at high school (we were called “cleaning ladies”), so I know cleaning.

I’ve used every product and appliance on the market – both commercial and industrial at some point.

A bit of scepticism is healthy, who hasn’t been let down by things that didn’t live up to the hype? Yes I’m talking about you Topshop.

Why my new Dyson vacuum cleaner is the BEST relationship I have ever had:

  • This thing can suck the nails out of a board. If I could suck like that I would’ve had at least eight marriage proposals. I actually went to two friend’s houses with the vacuum barrel to show them the dirt it sucked up from my house I was so impressed.
  • It’s as light as a feather. My last one was so heavy I needed a Sherpa to get it up the stairs.
  • Unlike many previous relationships, it lives up to its promises. It does what it says it does.
  • It is happy to compromise. When I need to vacuum carpet its fine with that, but if I need to go over the tiles, it’s not a big deal – it just DOES IT. It doesn’t roll its eyes and bitch and moan about the change of surface and topography, making me screech at it like a Harpy. There is no convoluted conversation about the need to change, it just adapts!
  • It doesn’t compare itself to my previous vacuum cleaners. It couldn’t be less
    interested in them. It lives in the now.
  • It’s modern. It’s not threatened by my independence and strong personality.
  • It’s not precious. It will suck up anything – it doesn’t care. Broken glass, dust, owl poo (yes, really) an unsuspecting gecko, nothing is safe in its path.
  • I BOUGHT IT ON SALE! But you know what? Even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t care! I believe in the Gucci Principal (“Long after the price is forgotten, the quality will remain”)
  • Respect to the inventor James Dyson who was continually turned down by the major manufacturers and nearly went bankrupt trying to get the idea to market.

Years ago, when the movie “Lost in Translation” with Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson came out, I didn’t really want to see it. I don’t know why, I just didn’t. I think I was worried it wouldn’t live up to the high expectations – great actors, interesting storyline, Sofia Coppola’s second film, which she also wrote blah blah…but then I watched it on a plane and was in raptures about how good it was. I am also convinced that Bill Murray leaned over and whispered in Scarlett Johansson’s ear “Be happy… and get a really good vacuum cleaner”.

Sometimes things are worth the hype.

*The author has named her vacuum cleaner D’Artagnan and they are featured as her profile pic on some social media. Sad but true.

What appliance has changed your life?

Alexandria Bernard on BloggerAlexandria Bernard on Twitter
Alexandria Bernard

With a successful 20+ year career in media and communications, Alex’s media portfolio includes contracts as a radio and television presenter (612 ABC, 4BC, Channel 9 and Network Ten) and as a feature writer for bmag and Brisbane Times.


Alex’s voice and face may be familiar to you from her voiceover and television commercial work. She has been featured in national radio and TV advertising campaigns, corporate videos and has been a regular MC for major events.