Oops, I did it again … Pilates that is

June 29, 2016

I know that once Brad sees me, he’ll leave Angelina who is rumoured to currently only weigh 36kg. As I weigh 72kg, I am literally twice the woman she’ll ever be!

As you may recall from my last column, I thought I’d start my supermodel journey or at least tone my body by taking a Pilates class. Just one. But no, it appears you need more than one and I had to come back for two and before you know it … it’s Pilates Take Three, or should that be take three steps back, get into my car and drive away.

I say a prayer to Michelle Bridges, the patron saint of  body transformation and ask for a sign that she is with me. I then hear a cash register and know she must be close by.

As I approach reception, I think “Why am I paying good money for this torture?”  I remove $25 from my purse to give to the receptionist.  It’s in my hand, but my fingers won’t release the cash.

The 20-year-old female receptionist and I are in a tug-a-war.  She looks at me with all the confidence of a pro visiting a mining site on pay day… I then remember my international modelling aspirations and release the cash.

She offers me a complimentary Cool Mint; I grab a handfull and stuff them in my handbag.  For $25 I should get the whole bloody bowl, but decorum takes hold and I make my way to class.

Let the toning begin

With my back on the Pilates reformer and my legs in ‘tabletop’, I begin. It is minute 13 and I unconsciously go into a Lamaze breathing technique.

I feel a surge of incredible energy wash over me; I pant and want to bear down. Is my new body being birthed?

I then see an apparition of Michelle Bridges holding baby Axel in the doorway.   She moves towards me holding her “Total Body Transformation” book and a mobile EFTPOS machine.  I go to my handbag and try to pay her in Cool Mints, but she just disappears.  It’s then I decide that maybe Pilates really isn’t for me.

Plus size modelling here I come.

Pilates Take Five

That’s right I didn’t blog about Pilates Take Four.  It was just too traumatic to put pen to paper, or should that be ‘fingers to the keyboard’. Let’s just say after Take Four, I needed a Bex and a little lie down.

So, bless me Father for I have sinned, it’s been two weeks since my last Pilates class and my tummy now resembles a Humpty Dumpty chocolate Easter egg.

Uh oh, the men have arrived

I waddle to the reformer and ready myself for another 45 minutes of Pilates magic.  I then notice two odd creatures walk into the room – they resemble something I’ve seen at my place of employment. You know the type … they walk around with all the confidence of a  seagull with a hot chip, bang on continuously about themselves and wants a standing ovation for fronting up to a work morning tea with a packet of Coles home brand salted peanuts– yes I believe they are called men.

Pilates Take 1, 2, 3 and 4 have been an all girl affair, so today will take on a testosterone of toast flavour. One of the men lies down on the reformer next to mine.  Within seven minutes he starts moaning and groaning.  The last time I had a man beside me moaning and groaning, flowers and champagne were involved.

After a minute I sneak a peek at my testosterone groaner. In a certain light, at a certain angle and with a heap of wishful thinking, he could pass for Brad Pitt.  Hmmm Brad, you are the reason for my international modelling aspirations. I know that once Brad sees me, he’ll leave Angelina Jolie who is rumoured to currently only weigh 36kg.  As I weigh 72kg, I am literally twice the woman she’ll ever be!

My groaner catches me looking at him and I immediately assume the Pilates position and think of England.

Jo Ann Hanley
Jo Ann Hanley is a comedic writer and Public Servant – both happily feed each other.

In 2012, Jo Ann with Christine Hanley, co-wrote and published a book “2001 A Washing Odyssey” which is a comical look at washing.