Last night I had a terrible dream about my daughter, Audrey, and since Jade (my partner) doesn’t want to talk to me about it (he doesn’t like to entertain morbid thoughts about our children, which I fully understand) I thought I would write about it here instead.
I think as parents we all go through stages of worrying about our children and we all must face up to and embrace the vulnerability and potential hurt and pain that comes with having children.
Lately for me it has come in the form of having horrid thoughts about something bad happening to my kids, and this innate worry has obviously transcended into my dreams.
Last night I dreamt that we were on holiday on the Gold Coast and for some insane reason I said it was okay for Audrey to ride her bike home by herself – because, you know, my “dream self” thought my 3½ year old daughter was perfectly capable of finding her own way home.
The point where my dream kicked off was actually the day after I had let Audrey ride off into the sunset, and where it suddenly dawned on me that it had actually been a really bad idea to let her go off on her own as she was now missing.
We began to search the streets for Audrey and I was convinced that we were never going to see her again. I started to imagine all of the horrible things that could be happening/could have happened to her and started to absolutely lose my shit.
And then finally, by some miracle, we found her standing by the side of the road, looking completely forlorn and traumatised and it was at that moment that I let out the most guttural, animalistic scream I had ever experienced and it literally woke me from my sleep.
The after effects
The dream (or rather nightmare) was so real and so intensely horrifying that it took me a good few moments to calm down and to realise it was all just a dream.
I’ve tried to interpret the dream and to be honest I don’t know what I think it means. The only thing I can think of is it’s because I’m going through a period of deep appreciation and perhaps it’s the universe reminding me of how precious my time with my children really is.
The lesson I choose to take from this
Therefore, the lesson I choose to take from all this, is not to wrap my kids up in cotton wool, but rather to be grateful for every single day I have with them, and everyone I love for that matter. Because nothing or no-one is ever guaranteed to be a permanent part of your life.
Have you ever struggled with scary thoughts about losing your children or loved ones?