Girls weekends away… something you plan for months in advance down to every last detail. Logistical movements of flights with friends arriving from all around the country, restaurants and what you are going to eat, what beverages you will be consuming, topics of discussion, who Matty J from the Bachelor will pick, the list goes on.
One thing I never think about before or during these trips is body maintenance… I don’t need to impress anyone here, they’re all my close girl friends. I could wear a garbage bag and they would still love me, maybe not dine with me, but definitely still love me. So when I looked at my recent girls trip itinerary on the plane heading to Melbourne and I saw the inclusion of a visit to the Mornington Peninsula Hot Springs I nearly died! AMAZING activity, except I remember that it is the middle of winter and I am dealing with a (larger than life) body covered in full length pubic hair. Like, I am talking if I asked my hair dresser for a blow dry on the hairs on my legs I would be charged EXTRA LONG plus conditioning treatments due to the coarseness of the hair. Realising all of the above I knew that I was going to have to put aside a good couple hours for body hair maintenance on a holiday… not ideal.
I have been blessed with the best assets a girl could want… Big boobs, big thighs, a good sized gut, a bubble butt – the list of lush goes on (kidding, these are assets I would like to trade in). The best thing that could have NEVER been given to me out of all the blessings I have received is being the hairiest girl you have ever met. Now I am not just talking about wispy hairy legs, I am talking about full pubic leg hairs that grow over night to the length of at least a centimetre, under arm hairs that grow so fast they are curly over night and trap sweat like a man and I am not even mentioning the lady fro I have going on downstairs. You will never see me lifting my arms in public during summer or wearing a shirt with no sleeves (unless I get lost in a moment and think I am hairless after a couple of summer spritz’), purely because I can’t keep up with the hair growth, it is fast. In fact, if I was to go and get laser hair removal under my arms they would have to charge me for TWO FULL Brazilians because under each of my arms are the equivalent of two FULLY bushed V-jay-jays. No word of a lie, no exaggeration. As I said earlier I couldn’t be more blessed.
Back to the reality of the full body shave, it couldn’t have been at a worse time. We’re a good month and a half into winter, my favourite body hair growing time of year, so the news of a visit to some hot springs meant I needed 2 hours in the shower for the full body shave and purchase a pack of 5 razors to cut through the jungle of hair on my body. Without going into too much detail…who am I kidding, the details are as follows: I had to use 3 x disposable razers as they go blunt in a matter of a couple of strokes. Not due to the quality, due to the course hair they are attacking. One razor is used for each leg and one for the rest of the body shave down – including but not limited to – bikini line, snail trail, under arms, tops of toes, ears (just kidding – but honestly waiting for the day).
Let’s also talk about the awkwardness of having to shave for a girl with a bit of junk in the trunk. It is all legs and ass in that shower… legs up around your head trying to get to the bits of your leg you can’t see, stroking your legs up and down knowing full well that there will be bits of hair that you missed, etc. Then there is the rinsing down of the shower to make sure there isn’t any extra long pubic hairs hanging around on the white tiles. That takes at least 10 mins of cleaning the shower and shoving the mountain of hair down the drain! And don’t you dare miss a hair! They’re long and wiry and look like they shouldn’t belong anywhere that isn’t clothed, so god help you if you do! You find that if you miss one, someone will try to pick it off your leg like it is a just a hair from your head, then they realise it’s attached and things become awkward VERY quickly as not only is it attached, but it is also a pubic hair on your leg! Ewww!
My heritage isn’t anything exotic at all, in fact, having dark hair, fair skin and pubic hair that grows faster than Pinocchio’s nose has nothing to do with being of Irish decent. It has everything to do with having PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is something I have and I deal with…and obviously really well in terms of letting all my body hair grow!
Let me get one thing straight, I don’t shave because I feel I have to or due to the pressures on women in society, oh god no! I shave for the benefit of everyone else around me. No one needs to see the fair skinned, chubby girl with black pubic hairs covering 80% of her body. For the greater good of our good country, I will make sure I shave down my body. I will pluck out those chin hairs and maintain the femme fro. Sometime I just can’t believe how lucky I am…totally blessed!
Moral of the story, I don’t actually think there is one. I have actually just told everyone that has read this that I could possibly be the hairiest girl in Brisbane and spend hours maintaining my moustache, chin hairs, femme fro & even extra hours shedding the pubic hair on my legs in awkward positions in the shower, generally in cold water because the hot water has well and truly run out…The good thing is, I don’t think I am the only one out there. So to all the other hairy girls in Brisbane…apologies, I just told everyone how we shave in the shower with legs up around our heads. You’re welcome!