Cat The Cupid!

June 1, 2017

How do you keep young children away from the bedroom door when you need some *cough cough* private time?

May parents swear by sitting their children down in front of a new (or favourite) movie or a Playstation game or iPad – especially if they’re not normally allowed to play them – they’ll be quiet for a while in the hope you forget and let them play for longer.

Depending how old your children are, you can also utilise the time they’re doing their homework or reading a book. My son is five, and although I haven’t used it for this purpose, when I need five minutes alone (and he’s being crazy), I ask him to go and jump 100 times on the trampoline.

Why, how long you need?!!

Is it possible for one person in a partnership (who isn’t at all into touchy/ feely displays of affection) and the other person in the relationship (who craves displays of affection/ hugs/ kisses etc) to adjust their own needs/ modus operandi for the other person, or are we just how we are and that kind of thing is just part of our make up? I try to show my partner affection in ways that aren’t natural to me, but it feels forced and fake and, pretty much just completely wrong. And draining. I know he tries to do without the affection he wants from me, but he always ends up cornering me and forcing kisses from me which is… also wrong and draining. We love each other and want to give the other what they need, but….. help!

This is a very common issue for couples with different love languages (I suspect you know about these, based on your question, but otherwise Google ‘five love languages’)… Most of us are partnered with someone who has different – and sometimes very opposite – ways of showing love. We tend to show the way that we want to receive it.

So in your case, your partner obviously craves physical touch – and without it, to be frank, you’re basically roommates. This doesn’t mean that you need to do things which make you uncomfortable – but for your relationship to last, you really do need to make an effort to give him what he needs (and vice versa from him to you). For someone who craves physical touch, please know that all types of touch contribute towards their ‘bucket’. Head scratches, foot massages, pats on the arm, cuddles, tickles – all help them get the touch they are craving.

Lots of women withhold this kind of affection though, because they’re worried their partner will turn every single interaction into a request for more… So if you haven’t already, I would suggest having a loving and patient talk about what you’re going through. Like “I want to give you what you need, but I need to take it slow and not feel like we have to have sex every time I touch you.” Ask him what other kinds of touch he needs (apart from kissing/sex) and give the other options a try.

At the same time, if you don’t want to be physically intimate with your partner, it raises the question why? Humans are essentially sexual creatures – but over the course of our lives, things can happen which get in the way of that. Values, religion, previous trauma, etc. So, I would encourage yourself to ask if it was always like this? Has something changed or did something ‘happen’ in the recent or distant past? If your discomfort with physical affection has always been the case, it may be worth considering some assistance from an intimacy coach or sex therapist (I know a great one named Patty Ann Waho) who can work with you on developing this part of yourself. Many women have completely changed their lives through addressing the reasons they aren’t being physical or sexual – by clearing blockages/boundaries/barriers which have been put up through various events or deep seated emotions they hadn’t even consciously realised they were carrying.

Is it true that the relationship is dead when you only take your own clothes off before gettin’ jiggy with it?!

Haha, I love this question! I’ve never heard it put this way, but it does make sense at first glance… But if we judge our relationships this way, we’ll always end up feeling disappointed – because realistically, it’s nearly impossible for most of us to keep the “I must rip your clothes off now” fires alive over time.

I’ve just been discussing this with some colleagues and one of them suggested that maybe it’s dead when you don’t bother taking your clothes off at all… until our other friend said “but some men like it like that – it’s a turn-on when it’s quick and dirty, and feels like you can get caught!”

I do think we need to keep injecting effort, love, humour and creativity into our intimate relationships – and what we do outside of the bedroom has a huge impact on this. If you are parents, for example, and almost all your interactions are about the children; or if you’re both working hard and all conversations become about money – then this does impact on your intimacy. Try to include new activities (working out or playing sport together is proven to positively impact on your sex life) and mix up your date nights or social outings to include comedy or other opportunities to laugh together. And of course, you’ve heard stories about women who take their husbands to dinner wearing only lingerie under an overcoat – and then slip him a note during dinner to let him know.

So the moral of the story is – there’s not just one thing which indicates the health of your intimate relationship. Ensure you are both making an effort to keep the rest of your relationship alive and injected with some fresh activities on a regular basis… and this will contribute to increased happiness overall. He’ll be ripping your clothes off again before you know it!

Good luck and I truly wish you all the best for a romance you will both enjoy.

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Cathryn Mora
Dating and relationships coach, writer and speaker at LoveSparkme
Cathryn Mora is a visionary personal coach with the goal of saving one million marriages by 2020. She has mastered the art of maintaining a strong partnership and her experiences and research span the globe.

She created the world’s first relationship program sent via text message – LoveSparkME™, for women who want to strengthen, save or spice-up their relationship.

As a matchmaker since her teenage years, women of all ages seek out Cathryn’s advice on meeting men and growing relationships. She has been featured in countless media, including: MSN, Bravo TV, Fox News, Popsugar, Bustle, SheKnows, Redbook, Brides Magazine, SBS, Kidspot, and many more.