Cat The Cupid

I was supposed to be Matron of Honour for my best friend’s wedding in September. However, they just decided to get married in Fiji instead, but I can’t afford it because we’re saving for a house. We’ve been friends since high school so she’ll be devastated, but she can also be a bit feisty sometimes so I’m afraid of causing a big problem so I haven’t said anything yet. How do I tell her without it possibly ruining our friendship?

I’m assuming your friend knows that many people will be in this situation, but I’m guessing she just doesn’t imagine that you will be one of them. I’m afraid my only advice is to be direct but say it with love. Like “You mean so much to be and I’m honoured you asked me to be Matron of Honour, but now that the wedding’s in Fiji, I just can’t spend that money when we’re saving for the house. I’d still love to help you plan and want to give you a great Hen’s Night before you go!”

If she has a negative response, you could add “I’m so happy you’re going to have a beautiful wedding and if it was local, nothing would stop me from being there for you, but buying a house is my dream and spending $5k on going to Fiji will set us back months/years. I know our friendship is strong enough that you’ll understand.”

People can get pretty carried away with weddings and she possibly didn’t really think through the potential fallout from having it overseas and it sounds like she may not have discussed it with others before making the decision. Hopefully she’ll understand and your friendship continues on as before. If she reacts badly, just give her some time and space to react and then approach her again on a positive, supportive note. I wish you the best of luck with the conversation – let me know how it goes!

My husband is constantly nagging me for sex but I am just not in the mood. I don’t want him to get bored and have an affair, but I don’t think I should have to have sex every day either.

This is such a common issue so you’re not alone. The reality is that sex and intimacy are the things which stand between you and two people who are just sharing a house together. If you’re not having an intimate relationship, you’re flatmates, basically. When we first have children and are so tired and consumed by their lives, it’s extra easy for this to happen and we can coast along for a certain period where it doesn’t really impact us too much. Over time though, a lack of physical closeness is highly likely to have a negative impact on your relationship.

My best advice is to FIND the energy. I think it’s a bit like going to the gym. You put it off and put it off, but once you’re there it’s not as bad as you thought! But every physical touch counts towards your husband’s ‘intimacy account’. Even if you just give him extra cuddles, a pat on the bum, a head or back scratch… and I know you might say “But this will get him in the mood, so I avoid it,” because I’ve heard that a lot before! But this isn’t a terrible thing (in most cases). Husbands should want to have sex with their wives! Of course, you should never say yes if you really don’t want to – but if you’re simply lacking in enthusiasm, just think of it as a gift to him. Suggest you try some tantra or have fun playing dress ups or talking dirty. Maybe play adult games somewhere you think you’ll get caught. Bring in a bit of spice and you may be surprised what can come of it!

In terms of affairs, these certainly do happen when one person in the couple gets tired of a lack of intimacy – but perhaps surprisingly, it’s usually because of a lack of attention in general from their spouse. Affairs are often about getting attention, having some spark, flirting, being made to feel good with compliments… it’s not nearly as much about sex as people would have you believe.

I actually hold a monthly event for women called ‘Secret Women’s Business’, and in the  next couple of months we’re going to have a high profile ex-escort come and speak about her experiences dealing with businessmen and celebrities in Sydney – and in addition to telling us her secrets about what men really want in bed, she will also talk about how so many men are just looking for companionship, and someone to tell them that they’re wonderful, manly, sexy, etc. It’s what we all want!

Does my bum look big in this?

No, you are awesome and rock everything you wear!